A One Time Thing
by tini243
Summary: What would have happened if something had happened after TOW Ross's step forward? JR RR
1. No Strings Attached

Title: A One Time Thing

Author: Kristin (tini243 at gmx.de)

Summary: What had happened if anything had happened after "TOW Ross's step forward"?

A/N:  
Thanks to Stephanie for being such a great betareader. Thanks to Laura - my muse.  
And as always, thanks to Kerstin and Jan.

* * *

**A One Time Thing**

She couldn't sleep. For about four hours she had tossed and turned without really getting anywhere near being able to fall asleep.

The fantasies that kept her company during those hours weren't exactly helping either.

Fantasies of her and Joey, naked on some bed, intertwined in a passionate embrace…

It was torture. Her raging hormones and the things her fantasies did to her had her blood boiling and her body humming with unspent sexual energy. She just knew she had to do something about it or it would drive her crazy. Of course she had tried to take care of that herself, but touching herself only got her so far. Just some sort of relief wasn't what she needed. She needed to feel the stubbly skin of a man's face scratching over hers, she needed strong hands on her body and the feeling of a firm male body on top of her. She needed to hear a labored breath that wasn't her own and more than everything else, she needed to feel someone inside of her. And wherever she tried to divert her thoughts to, it always came back to that someone having to be Joey.

Everything she wanted out of this seemed to have his name on it. One great night… if living with him was good for one thing, than it was knowing without any doubt that it would be great. The walls in this apartment were thin after all. Someone who knows what he's doing… same category. No strings attached… check, he was Joey after all. Someone she felt comfortable with… hell yeah, he was Joey. She couldn't think of one single man she felt more at ease with.

It was actually perfect.

Yeah, it was bad and wrong, but with what she was going through, she had contemplated going over to Chandler and asking him.

What would be the big deal if it was Joey? Surely they could handle this, they were friends. The longer she thought about this, the more she convinced herself that she should do this.

When she went out into the living room to sneak into Joey's bedroom, she found him sitting on the lounger, flipping through the channels.

"Couldn't sleep either?" he asked when he noticed her.

"Yeah. I'm kinda… restless."

To her surprise he held a hand out to her and when she took it, he pulled her to him and she sat down onto his lap.

"Is it really that bad?" he asked with honest concern.

She closed her eyes for a moment and took a deep and shuddering breath.

"Joey you're a guy. Have you never felt as if you're going to do yourself bodily harm if you didn't do it, like, right now?"

"Sure, but as you said, I'm a guy."

"Well, obviously I'm not, but I'm right there. And sitting on your lap like this? … not helping the situation at all."

"So, you really wanna do it?"

She shook her head and tried to stand up. "This is so embarrassing," she muttered but before she could take a step away from him, he pulled her to him again. Before she could even think about what was happening, he roughly ran his hand up her pajama pants covered leg and stopped only and inch from her crotch.

Seeing her wide eyed look he smiled a little. "Would you really feel comfortable with me touching you like this?"

"Yeah," she replied, her breath ragged as if she had just run, "... but only if you wouldn't stop there."

"My bed or yours?" he asked after seemingly contemplating her answer for a while.

The answer was easy. His bed was the one for the one night stands, for the meaningless sex.

"Yours."

"Okay," he said and then looked as if he remembered something. "I just need a few minutes. It's kinda messy in there."

"Sure," she affirmed, "I have to go to the bathroom first anyway… freshen up, you know."

"I know." Smiling somewhat uncomfortably, she turned around and headed for the bathroom.

……………

Joey almost raced to his bedroom, hastily throwing the porno magazines that laid strewn around on his bed into his closet and straightened out the bed sheets. He had tried to get her out of his head after what she had told him, but even looking at naked girls hadn't brought him anywhere. He had given up on the magazines after the girls started to look like Rachel.

The second he was done removing all the evidence of his activities of the past four hours, he heard Rachel's voice from the bedroom door.

"Knock, knock."

He spun around and saw her standing there, insecure, slightly nervous and obviously embarrassed. Although he normally knew how to handle these types of situations, he was a bit unsure how to proceed now.

"Look Rach, you can get out of this whenever you want, you just say one word…"

"Stop talking Joe," she said with a shaking voice that didn't lend that command much authority. But he knew why she had said it. If they wanted to go through with that, thinking and talking about it wouldn't help. This wasn't about rational thought, this was about basic needs. He knew enough about this to not belittle what she was going through, to be determined to help her, to satisfy the hunger she felt.

He stepped closer to her and without further ado he started to kiss her, deeply and passionate. Everything that needed to be said had been said. If she wanted him to stop, she knew he would, he had to trust that she knew that.

But right now, with the way she kissed him back, he had some doubts she would want to.

In fact, with the way she untied his bathrobe and pushed him towards the bed, he started to be convinced that there would be no stopping taking place in the next thirty minutes.

The urgency of what she felt was palpable in everything she did, in every sound she made. It was unmistakably clear when she impatiently drew his hand away as he was bringing it between her legs, softly stroking her.

"Not now, Joey. Later… please…"

Sensing what she was getting at, he wasted no more time and gently eased himself inside her, urged on by her heels digging into his back and by the relieved moans from Rachel.

When he started to move, every one of his careful thrusts was accompanied by her soft cries, by her rocking her hips against him.

He tried to hold back somehow, to be gentle, careful. She was pregnant after all. Although if reading all her baby books had taught him that having sex was usually not dangerous for her or the baby, he felt like it couldn't be bad to be a bit cautious.

Her nails where digging into the skin of his neck and the bittersweet pain of feeling that, the wonder at seeing Rachel underneath him, his friend Rachel, writhing in unbridled ecstasy, the feeling of being inside of her, of smelling her, tasting her… it started to become too much, it started to make him lose control.

To his surprise, his control completely slipped right in the moment he heard her moan his name.

"Oh my God… Joey… yeah… ahh…"

Trying to draw it out had been an uphill battle from the beginning, but he managed it at least long enough for her to cry out his name in an astoundingly powerful release. Or at least that was what he hoped it was. Because even after he had come back from his own orgasmic high, she was still shaking and twitching as if she had been electrocuted.

"You… okay?" he panted.

It took her an alarmingly long time to come up with an answer to that.

"Never… I've never been better. God… pregnancy sex is amazing."

He drew away from her and plopped down beside her, staring at the ceiling. When she didn't say anything for the longest time, totally uncommon for a woman, he turned to her and put his hand on her upper arm, gently rubbing it.

"You sure you okay, Rach?"

She turned around to him and when he saw an ear splitting grin on her face, he smiled relieved.

"You are really good at this, Joey."

"Wow, Rach. How can you say that? I don't mean to sound like a jerk but that was just the tip of the iceberg. You didn't even let me do most of the stuff I'm good at."

"I know. But I have seen a few icebergs in my life and I kinda think I can judge them by their tips by now. And you… you're great. Of course I know you don't need me to tell you that."

"Can't hear it often enough. Besides, it means something to me that you're saying it. I was kinda worried I would be hurting you, or… you know… the baby."

"I'm fine Joey. We both are. But… what about you?"

It was an odd question to ask, but it actually gave him pause for a while, trying to find words for what he was feeling.

"I don't know, I'm feeling a bit… I honestly don't know. I mean, I thought it would be weird, it would feel like doing something bad. But if felt… it never felt like that for me. Being with someone I know as good as I know you… it was just… wonderful."

Not understanding what he had said wrong, he saw the smile vanish from Rachel's face and sadness and sorrow taking its place.

"Oh my God!"

"What is it, Rach?"

"I think we made a big… a really big mistake. I… I made the mistake, I should've known that."

He still had no clue what was going on.

"What are you talking about?"

"I should've known that you've never been with someone you really cared about, with someone who means something to you. It's like I stepped into uncharted territory and trust me, I shouldn't have been the first woman to go there."

While he puzzled about her confusing statement he still softly stroked her arm. And then it hit him. He didn't want that to be a one time thing, he didn't want to stop touching her, he didn't want everything to be back to how it was before. The realization knocked the breath out of him and a painful sting in his heart made him gasp.

He drew his hand away slowly and squeezed his eyes shut.

"Joey I'm so endlessly sorry, I hadn't thought about that… I wish… I wish I had."

After a few moments he opened his eyes again. "So you're breaking up with me?", he asked, trying to make it seem like a joke by smiling, what ended up looking like painful grimacing.

"Joey honey, I don't wanna lose…"

With a quick movement he pressed his fingers lightly against her lips. "Hey, you can't. Okay? Ever."

"I am so sorry," she whispered, close to tears.

"Rach, please, don't be sorry. This was… I'm glad it happened. I guess I know now what you guys are talking about all the time. Don't be sorry."

With that he took her into his arms and drew her close to him.

The feeling of her naked body against his suddenly felt like torture. Becoming aware of the fact that she was enjoying it, of the way she was trying to snuggle even closer was almost physically painful.

"I just need to figure out how to let you go," he murmured and wondered at how small and broken his voice sounded.

"You don't need to," she answered and relief and happiness washed through him. He wouldn't need to let her go. "At least not for another couple of hours."

If only this hadn't hurt that much.

…………….

It was five hours later when Rachel had the impression that he had finally fallen asleep.

Her own lack of tiredness surprised her only a bit since what happened between them in the past few hours had her so stirred up, there was no way she could fall asleep. It had been a memorable night. Joey had let her see more than just the 'tip of the iceberg' in those hours and combined with the feelings that he hadn't even tried to hide from her, it had showed her how much this man would've to give if he would ever find the woman who he would want to give it to. Too bad it could never be her.

She studied his face for a while, immensely tempted to touch it, to trace its clear lines with her fingers. Just when she was about to turn around and leave, he opened his eyes and looked at her lucidly. She should've known. He hadn't been sleeping. They looked at each other for a while, out of things to say, just trying to convey their feelings through their eyes.

"Go," Joey finally rasped. The right corner of his mouth twitched lightly in a futile attempt at an encouraging smile.

She swallowed the lump in her throat, nodded, turned around and left. After all, this had been the plan.

………….

She came into the coffee house after work and everybody was already there. It was no wonder that Gunther had asked her a few weeks ago if anyone of them even went to work. They hung out there all the time. She heavily plopped into the armchair that Joey had obligingly vacated for her, favored him with a thankful smile and greeted everyone.

Phoebe looked at her quizzically.

"You're glowing."

"I'm feeling fine," she answered evasively.

"What about the… you know… the Evander-Hollyfiel-problem?" Monica asked.

The guys – apart from Joey – looked puzzled.

"I found a… solution for that. I'm feeling great."

"What kind of solution?" Phoebe continued pestering her, "Because lemme tell ya, I tried a lot of stuff."

"Pheebs, I don't wanna talk about it, okay? Let's just say I did something that felt all sorts of great and it helped me with my… problem."

Phoebe nodded, not satisfied with the answer but obviously getting the point that further questioning wouldn't get her any more answers.

Suddenly Joey jumped up and all but ran out of the coffeehouse. Everybody stared after him until both Monica and Phoebe turned to Rachel, shrieking almost in unison: "You slept with Joey, didn't you?"

Rachel brought her hand to her forehead and massaged it slightly.

"What?" Chandler asked in an almost comically high pitched voice.

"Yeah I did. And before you start, I know it was a mistake. I mean, it was a great night, but I'm afraid I did hurt his feelings. I wasn't expecting that it could mean more to him than to me."

Chandler stood up wordlessly and left. Ross, as was to be expected, stared at her with an open mouth but when he noticed that Chandler was gone, he left too.

…………..

After looking in both apartments, Chandler found Joey on the little ballcourt behind the house, shooting hoops. Or to be more precise, angrily throwing a ball in the general direction of the basket. Joey acknowledged Chandler's presence with a short look to the side and continued with what he was doing.

"How you doin' Joe?" Chandler asked after having watched him for a while.

"Great," he answered in a clipped tone, throwing the ball away from him even harder than before.

"I think the ball might disagree."

Joey caught the ball that came bouncing back and glared at it. "What does the stupid ball know?" he finally said and threw it again.

"We know about you and Rachel," Chandler admitted finally, tired of watching.

Joey spun around. "Did she tell you?"

"No, the girls knew it the moment you ran out of the coffeehouse."

Joey picked up the ball again, obviously trying to appear as if it didn't concern him. "What else do you know?"

"Nothing. I left as soon as it was out. I had a feeling she'd hurt you."

Joey still avoided looking at him directly but his attitude seemed not as angry as it was before.

"It's not her fault okay?"

"From what I've gathered it was her idea."

This finally made him turn around to him and leave the ball in peace. He took a step into Chandler's direction and looked at him seriously.

"Chandler, remember that time before you hooked up with Monica? When you were on a dry spell for over four months? When you were starting to go crazy?"

Chandler squirmed uncomfortably at the memory. "I tried to forget about that."

"But you should be able to empathize with Rachel."

"Well, I didn't sleep with you," Chandler quipped.

Joey snorted dismissively. "Yeah, you slept with Monica."

"Not because I needed to," Chandler retorted quickly, wincing at the defensive sound of his voice. It would be a lie to say that he hadn't needed it badly. Having Monica in his bed had felt like a Godsend in more ways than one.

"Because _she_ needed to?" Joey asked with raised eyebrows.

Again, this was closer to the truth than Chandler cared to admit. Having their friends know about every detail of their relationship clearly had its drawbacks. Although he would never expected Joey of all people to use this to make a point.

"Joey, this is not the point. Neither of us was getting hurt."

He turned around and picked the ball up, starting throwing it again.

"Like I said, it's not her fault. She belongs with Ross, she's carrying his baby, I knew all that. It was not like she lied to me beforehand, I knew what I was getting myself into."

"Then why didn't you say no?"

Joey caught the ball and looked down at his feet, as if he would find the answer there.

"Because she needed me and I wanted to be there for her. I thought it was better it was me than some stranger. Or better than the likes of Paolo or something."

Chandler shook his head and smiled a bit. This was so typical Joey. This had been his only reason, his concern for someone else. For someone who seemed so immature and self centered sometimes, he had a knack for making the biggest sacrifices for them.

"Yeah, I guess you're right. So… are you gonna be alright?"

"I guess so, sometime, yeah," he shrugged dejectedly and then looked at him again with a self deprecating lopsided grin. "I'm Joey, it never takes me longer than a shower to get over someone, right?"

"I never said that."

"Yeah."

He continued throwing the ball again for a while until Chandler had almost the impression the conversation was over. Then he suddenly let the ball drop and turned to him with a questioning, confused and vulnerable look in his eyes. "It was just so… different. That's what I can't get over. It was like it happened on a completely different level. Like it wasn't just sex, you know? Does this sound crazy?"

Hearing him say this made Chandler smile again. Looked like Joey had finally found out what the difference between 'having sex' and 'making love' was.

"This sounds about right. It's supposed to be like that, I guess. Just sex… is great. Although I never really had that much of that. But being with someone who you're close with, that's a totally different thing."

"Just my luck I found that out with the one woman I can't have."

"Hey guys."

Both Chandler and Joey turned around when they heard the greeting from Ross who slowly walked around the fence of the ballcourt.

"How long have you been here?" Chandler asked carefully, trying to find out what Ross had overheard.

"Long enough. Chan, can I talk to Joey for a sec… alone?"

"Of course, I'm gonna look what Mon is up to. See you guys around and… try to stay civil, okay?"

Joey looked after Chandler until he had vanished from his sight. He turned his attention to Ross who stood before him with an unreadable expression.

"Ross, before you start yelling at me, let me tell you one thing. I wasn't trying to take her away from you. I didn't. I'm sure if you weren't with Mona right now, you had been the first one she had come to with this. And…"

Ross shook his head with a sad smile and held his hand up. "Stop it Joe, I'm not mad at you. I mean… yeah, it's weird, but… I think you did the right thing. When you said before that she could've ended up with another Paolo… I was sorta glad she chose you."

At seeing the look of surprise on Joey's face, Ross couldn't hide a smile.

"Really?" Joey asked unbelievingly.

"Yeah, I mean… it was just a one time thing, right?"

Joey cleared his throat for a few times and took a deep breath before replying, "Yeah Ross, just a one time thing."

* * *

A/N2: In a way, I think this could be a stand-alone story. For everyone who is curious how this might have been progressed, I wrote a few more chapters to conclude the storyline, but everyone who thinks it's good the way it is, don't read further. 

Thanks for the reviews.


	2. Moving Out

A/N: Yeah, I know I said it's a stand-alone. But this idea just popped into my head a while ago and it kept nagging and pestering me until I wrote it down. I contemplated making it a complete different story, but I think it fits here. Everyone who tought the first chapter was good on its own - which I agree with - stop reading, you might find that this one sounds tacked on.

* * *

Timeframe: 'TOW the Secret Closet', in the universe of this story, this is what could've happened before Joey and Chandler had that 'lone wolf' talk

**Chapter Two: Moving Out**

When he stepped into the apartment, the fact that she had moved out was apparent on the first glance.

Everything seemed different. Lifeless, joyless, empty.

Yeah, he was the one wanting her to move out. It had been the right thing to suggest. It was better for everyone and in the long run, it would be better for him as well.

He had to get over her.

Two months hadn't gotten him any closer to that, but maybe living without her would give him enough distance to get to his feet again. Although right now, the thought of having to live without her was so agonizing, it robbed him the ability to breathe.

He slowly dragged himself to the bathroom and the pain got even worse when he saw the half empty shelves. No lipstick next to his razor anymore, no plethora of flasks and little bottles, of perfume flacons and unidentifiable things next to his after shave.

He was alone… all alone. And endlessly lonely.

He braced his arms against the sink and let the tears roll, sobbing quietly. A long while later he looked up and saw his tears streaked face and the red eyes and he determined that this was the lowest he had ever seen himself at.

Bending over the sink again, he splashed a few handfuls of ice cold water into his face. After toweling it dry and taking a few calming breaths, he felt ready to face his empty apartment again.

When he came out of the bathroom, he didn't find an empty apartment. He found her, sitting on the lounger, duffle bag beside her, lovingly caressing her belly.

It was unbelievable how big she had gotten in two months. It was strange to think that there was a human being growing inside of her.

He had felt it, he had touched her more than once to feel the little one kicking and moving around inside of her. It had been almost overwhelming. Also – it had shown him where she belonged. Because it wasn't his child she was carrying and he wasn't the man she loved.

"She's kicking," Rachel said quietly when she saw him.

He nodded mutely and walked over to her, crouching down in front of her and placing his hand on her belly. Feeling the movement inside made him smile a little, as always.

She gently placed her hands over his and held it against her, even after the baby had stopped moving.

"We're gonna miss you," she finally said.

Still not trusting his voice enough to speak, he nodded again without saying anything.

"You gonna be okay, Joey?" she asked and again he didn't manage more than a quiet nod.

Finally fed up with his silent treatment, Rachel took his chin in her hand and forced him to look at her. "What's with you? Cat got your…" she trailed off and sadness replaced the anger on her face when she looked into his eyes.

"Oh my God, Joey, I'm so sorry."

He shook his head in a silent dismissal of her pity and looked down again.

"Joey, there had been not one single day in the last two months when I haven't regretted putting you through that, breaking your heart like that. I know… you… you don't want us to talk about this, but… if there is anything I can do to make things right again, to help you heal… I'd do it. Because… because I love you Joey. Me moving out… I know it's a step on the way for you to get better. This is the main reason I agreed to it. Among others. I hope… I just hope to see you smile again someday. Really smile. It's your smile I miss the most."

He didn't know what to say to that. There probably wasn't anything to say to that. Besides, if talking would have been hard before, after hearing her say she loved him, even if he knew that she hadn't meant it the way he longed for, saying anything was out of the question now.

She gently caressed his hair, maybe waiting for him to talk. But he didn't. Eventually she kissed the top of his head, got up, took her bag and left.

He stood up abruptly when he heard the door falling into its lock.

She was gone, vanished out of his apartment, out of his life. The pain filled his eyes with tears again and he pressed his fist against his mouth, unsuccessfully trying to fight them back.

Suddenly the door flew open again and Rachel came storming in, slamming the door shut on her way to him. She threw her arms around him and pressed herself against his body as close as her protruding belly would allow it.

Feeling her so close against him, inhaling the smell of her hair, feeling the warmth of her body seeping into his finally broke him.

He wrapped his arms around her and buried his face against her neck, openly crying now.

"I am so in love with you," he managed between sobs, "I love you so fucking much I don't know who to deal with that."

Her hand had wandered into his hair again and she comfortingly stroked his back. Now that she had opened the gate, everything poured out of him.

"I don't want to feel this way, I know it's bad and wrong and… and it hurts like hell. I know you're never gonna love me back but I… I don't know what to do about it."

He held onto her tightly until her presence, her comforting caresses calmed him down again. Then he pulled back and flinched at seeing tears running down her face too.

"I'm sorry, Rach, I shouldn't have…"

"No… no Joey. Maybe it's a good thing you told me. Maybe that's gonna help."

He shrugged dejectedly. "That'd be good."

"Since when…?" she asked helplessly, looking at him with tears filled eyes.

The question made him smile a little. Rachel. Always trying to get to the bottom of things.

"Dunno," he shrugged again, "Feels like forever. I just hadn't realized it until that night."

The tears were streaming freely down Rachel's face now.

"Joey, I love…"

He shook his head determinedly and interrupted her. "Don't… don't… please… "

She pulled him to her again and hid her face against his chest. "I can't leave you like that," she mumbled sadly. "How can I leave you now when I know how much you're hurting?"

He took a shuddering breath, trying to locate his strength, his normally infallible sense for the right thing to do.

"But you were right. It's gonna make it better, it's gonna help me. And I want to be your friend again, Rach. I need to."

She pulled back again and looked at him. It made him remember the fleeting moment at the crack of dawn two months ago. It made him realize that in a way, although she wasn't in love with him, she would always see something in him that no one else saw.

"Go," he said quietly, seeing remembrance flickering in her eyes, too.

She left his embrace reluctantly, still holding his gaze. Then she slowly turned and walked to the door, not looking back.

* * *

When Rachel walked back to Ross's apartment, she felt dazed, confused; sad and a bit angry.

How could he? How could he love her? She knew that he had feelings for her, she knew that night had meant more to him than to her, but how could he fall in love with her?

How could a man who had broken the hearts of dozens of women have his own heart so unguarded? How could he be so vulnerable? Even after what had happened with Kate, or with Ursula. Why hadn't he learned something from this?

Why had he allowed her to hurt him that badly? And why… why for crying out loud was there nothing she could do?

When she stood in front of Ross's door, she fumbled for the key, still deep in thought.

She didn't understand why this affected her so much. Of course, he was her friend, if he was miserable, she had to be compassionate. And since it was her fault in a way, she ought to feel a bit depressed as well.

But that didn't explain why she had gone back into the apartment a second time, it didn't explain her tears, it didn't explain the overwhelming urge to run back to him, to kiss him and hug him for as long as it took to make him smile again.

While she still fumbled with the key, the door opened and Ross stood there, smiling brightly.

"There you are, how…" he fell silent and his cheerful expression vanished when he looked at her.

"You've cried," he stated.

"It was… kinda hard so say goodbye to him," she sighed, avoiding Ross's searching gaze.

"Rachel, he's just across the street. You'll see him almost every day at the coffeehouse and at Mon's…"

"It's not gonna be the same, Ross. Not to him… and not to me."

Ross took a step back from her, as if he wanted to give her space. "Is this because of… what happened… between you?"

She looked at him warily, looking for any sign of jealousy, or of reproach, but she found none.

"No, it's because we both loved living together. Even before… things happened."

Ross sighed heavily. "I know that he… has feelings for you."

_I am so in love with you._

His pained words came back and a dull ache held her heart in a tight grip.

"Yeah… he has," she said after a few moments of collecting herself. "Pretty… serious ones, actually."

"Do you…" Ross started helplessly, obviously not even quite sure what he wanted to know.

Exhaustion crawled through her like black oil, making her wish she would never have to think about that ever again. That things would be easy, that there would be no questions, no doubts, no 'what if's'. She wished decisions were simple. There was another person growing inside of her, she felt she had no strength for all the other things anymore.

"Ross, I… I love him. I never had a friend like him and I know I'm gonna miss him. He's a great guy and there's more to him than most people see. But…it's you I have all the history with and… because of the baby, we certainly have some sort of future. You're the most important man in my life."

"You really think we might have a future?"

His wide and hopeful smile gave her a bit of her strength back. This was so right, so simple. It would be so perfect.

"Ross, we… shouldn't rush things, okay. But I think… maybe we should… try to… find out where this could lead."

He stepped to her again, lightly placing his hands on her hips, searchingly looking into her eyes. "Does that mean you forgive me?" he asked haltingly.

"I forgave you a long time ago. As long as you don't…"

"I won't. I swear," he said urgently, "I learned my lesson the hard way."

"Alright then… let's live together," she smiled bravely.

Ross tentatively took her in his arms and she couldn't help but think back to half an hour ago, to heartache and tears. It diminished her joy about new beginnings.

While holding her tightly to him, Ross started to speak.

"So with Joey, that was really just a one time thing?"

She closed her eyes for a moment, fighting down the urge to tell him to let that go already. Now was probably not the right moment for this, but she knew she would've to tell him eventually. Ross had a tendency to cling to things like that.

For some reason, telling him what he wanted to hear proved to be harder than she would've imagined. It felt like lying, which was stupid, because it wasn't a lie at all. Maybe it was just because that stupid phrase everyone had repeatedly used for the night two months ago always sounded like a very inadequate description of what had happened, of what it had meant. For both of them.

She tried to push all those thoughts away, to concentrate on the man who held her in his arms right now. The man who just wanted to hear that there was no one standing in the way of their future.

He didn't see that a single tear rolled down her cheek as she was saying, "Yeah… just a one time thing."

* * *

tbc


	3. Blue Moon

A/N: Thanks so much for the reviews. They are very appreciated. Thanks to Steph for the beta and to Exintaris for further corrections.

* * *

**Blue Moon**

"_You're marrying the wrong man and you make the biggest mistake of your life. You don't love him."_

"_What do you know about love?"_

"_I know what I felt that night. Let me ask you one question. Can you really live the rest of your life never knowing what we could have been?"_

"_I don't have a choice."_

"_Yes, you do. Yes... you do. I'm the one who doesn't have a choice because I... because I can't stop loving you."_

Rachel opened her eyes and stared into the darkness of their bedroom. Slowly she lifted her hand and wiped the wetness away from her face.

That dream again.

Ever since she had been on the set with Joey four weeks ago, she had the same dream over and over again. Almost every night.

"Cold feet, totally normal," they said. "Pre-wedding anxiety," they said. "Everyone freaks out a little before they get married," they said.

She wasn't freaking out, she felt like she had never been calmer about anything else in her entire life. She was walking into a trap and she knew it. She went with open eyes because she had no choice.

They had a kid together. Emma needed a father. And it wasn't like she didn't love Ross, she did. He was everything he had been during the time they had been together first. It was enough. It had to be.

She slowly got up, trying not to wake the sleeping man beside her. She went to the room where Emma was sleeping and looked down at her daughter adoringly. Never would she have guessed how much you love your own child. How holding that little person in your arms for the first time that you yourself created makes you want to stop the earth from turning, to wipe out everything that is bad and evil on it so your kid could grow up in a perfect world.

How it gives you the will – and the strength – to do everything in your power to protect this precious life.

She was willing to do everything… absolutely everything to make her happy.

Restraining herself from caressing her daughter's soft skin or touch her silky hair, she turned and headed for the kitchen to get herself something to drink.

Glass of water in hand she stood then at the window and looked out into the night. A full moon stood in the sky and sent a blue white light through the window.

It made her look at her hand where the light was reflected and broken into sparkly colors by the diamond on her engagement ring.

He had given it to her the day Emma was born. After she had moved in with him, they had gotten closer again. They shared the excitement for the birth of their daughter, they went shopping for baby clothes and everything they would need. It had been fun.

They kissed one night and all the nights after that. They never slept together though. It never came up. It was like Ross felt her reluctance and wanted to give her time.

She loved him for that as much as for everything else. She was sure it would be enough.

When he had kneeled down in front of her bed, holding that ring and asking with tears in his eyes if she wanted to marry him, she knew that there was only one right answer. She had said yes.

Everyone had been happy for them. Even Joey had been.

Ever since that day he seemed happier somehow, like a burden had been taken from him. He went out again, he raided Monica's fridge again and - most importantly - he smiled again.

It made her happy too. It started to feel like old times again, like being just friends.

Six months after Emma was born she knew she couldn't stall anymore. She had to sleep with Ross. He was her fiancée after all, although they hadn't set a date for the wedding yet.

Ross tried his best not to let her see how relieved he was when she told him she wanted to sleep in his bed that night. All the time he had went out of his way to show no sign of impatience whatsoever. But she had recognized the urgency he felt, she had been there once too.

When they were finally in bed together, her body seemed to react to him on an almost instinctual level, it seemed to remember his kisses and his touches and she felt herself reacting to all of his caresses almost against her will. Maybe it was the fact that she had deprived them of sexual contact for over a year. Maybe it was the history they shared. But whatever it was, it made for a night that left her fully satisfied and utterly exhausted.

She felt herself wishing it hadn't been that good. That maybe if it had been horrible, if it had been nothing against the last night she had had sex, it would be easier to make a decision.

Or maybe it wasn't good enough. Maybe it should've been so good that it would've wiped that night out of her memory. She had the feeling though, that nothing could make that happen.

Her gaze wandered over to the windows of the other building. Monica's apartment was lying in the dark, like always around this time when she couldn't sleep and was standing there.

But there was a faint light glowing in Joey's apartment, it looked like he was still awake. His schedule allowed him to sleep till noon and stay up late, it was not uncommon that he would still be up. And it was a Friday night, maybe he had a girl over.

Or maybe not.

The thought startled her all of a sudden. Maybe he couldn't sleep either, maybe he was sitting there, unable to stop thinking of her, just the way she couldn't stop thinking about him.

"…_never knowing what we could've been…" _

The line from the scene she had seen him play echoed through her brain loudly, drowning out every other thought, every other consideration.

Did she owe it to herself to find that out? Find out what it could've been?

She shook her head to chase the thought away, thinking about how she owed it to her daughter to give her a stable family, a happy childhood.

Is she going to be happy if her mother is not? Didn't she owe it to her child to find out where she could find happiness?

But what if it didn't work? What if all that would be left after her quest for happiness were two destroyed relationships?

She shuddered at the thought. What an awfully big risk.

Still, the light in the window kept calling to her.

Find out. See what it could be.

She turned away from the window, trying to escape the lure, the temptation. Giving into it, listening to her gut instead of her brain was what had gotten her into this mess in the first place.

Her heart hammered wildly against her ribs. Maybe it was not your gut that got you into trouble, it seemed to want to say to her, maybe it was your brain that did, after your gut had shown you something you hadn't even seen before.

Absently she changed into a pair of sweatpants that lay on the couch and pulled a shirt over her head. She grabbed her key and went to the door, not thinking, just giving in to the feeling of having to do this. Before she opened the door, she looked at her ring again, twisting it around her finger a few times.

Then she took it off, placed it on the shelf next to the keys and left the apartment.

* * *

She had been standing in front of Joey's door for several minutes when she suddenly heard a woman yelling. 

'You're such an idiot,' she thought wryly to herself, 'Of course he has a girl over. As if he would be waiting around for a woman who is going to marry his best friend.'

She turned around to go when the apartment door flew open and an angry looking individual came storming out. A blonde woman, late twenties, quite pretty.

Seeing her standing there, the woman suddenly stopped and turned to her with a cutting grin.

"Lining up already, huh? Just make sure he remembers your name," she spat and then ran through the hall and down the stairs.

She turned back after having watched the woman leave and found Joey gaping at her. His face was smeared with lipstick and she wondered oddly why that girl had put on that much lipstick if she was about to go on date. His shirt was open, revealing naked skin that she could barely wrench her gaze off. Her fingertips tingled at the memory of how that skin had felt under them. What touching it had made her feel… and do…

A troubled sigh escaped her and when she finally looked him in the eyes again, he still looked utterly confused.

"Rach… what…" he stammered toneless.

"I wanted to talk to you," she answered and took a step into his direction. He moved to the side and let her step into the apartment.

"Just a sec," he murmured before he vanished into the bathroom.

She took a look around the apartment, taking in the surrounding of the place that once had been her home, that had been so hard to leave.

A piece of clothing lying on the floor caught her eye and she bent down to get it. A bra. Red satin with black lace, push-up. Expensive.

'Trying too hard, missy' she thought. 'That's not what he really wants. What he really needs. He needs to know that someone loves him for who he is, not for what he appears to be.'

'You're one of the few people who know who he really is,' a voice in her head gave back.

As Joey came back from the bathroom, face clean, shirt buttoned up, she still held the bra in her hand.

He looked down at his feet embarrassed.

She put the bra on the kitchen counter and walked to him. "What happened?"

"Said the wrong name," he admitted in a grave voice.

"It's not uncommon," she joked, thinking about Ross's disastrous wedding in London.

"Had to be the same name," Joey gave back, locking his gaze with her.

Her smile froze on her face at his open admission. But it soon dawned on her that this was her chance to say what she had been coming here for.

"I don't know if I can marry him."

Joey sighed and looked down. She knew exactly when he saw that the ring was missing. It was the second he froze. Then he took her hand and held it up.

"What did you come here for?" he asked wide eyed, almost angry.

"To find out if I'm making a mistake."

"Being here… like that…" he lifted her hand a bit for emphasis, "…that's the mistake."

She swallowed around the lump in her throat trying to keep the tears at bay for once.

"Lately… I'm asking myself… what it would've been like. If I should've given this… us… a chance."

His expression softened and he lifted his hand and tentatively brushed a strand of hair out of her face. "Why? Because you felt sorry for me?"

The warmth that radiated from his hand compelled her to lean her face against it, closing her eyes and just reveling in the comfort of his touch.

"Because I love you," she breathed.

These words were like a glass, like a vessel that contained what she felt for him. Ever since that night that glass had filled, drop by drop and now, being filled to the rim, it gave those words a completely new meaning.

Whatever she felt for Ross, it was Joey she was in love with. It had never been as clear to her as right in that moment.

When he didn't move, didn't react to what she had said at all, she wrapped her arms around his waist and rested her head against his chest.

"Do you still love me?" she asked haltingly.

"That doesn't matter anymore," he said in a broken voice.

"Why?"

"Because we're far beyond having the liberty of trying things out. This isn't a game anymore. You know that."

She lifted her head and looked up at him and seeing the grim determination in his face, she knew that words might not be enough anymore in this situation.

With a quick movement she brought her hand behind his neck, pulling his face to her.

The first kiss was more like accidentally bumping their mouths together, but when he leaned in again, gently brushing his smooth lips over hers, she remembered what kissing him had been like. She eagerly opened her mouth to him, overwhelmed by the urge to feel him, to taste him. For a while he returned her kiss but then he pulled back trembling.

There was no mistaking how much this had affected him, how much it still meant to him. He had to see that there was something there, something that maybe could convince him to ask her to stay.

While she watched him trying to get himself under control again, she asked, "What… what about that?"

He looked back at her and he didn't hide what he was feeling, what he was thinking. But he didn't ask her to stay either. It was something else he asked her.

"Are you sure that it's gonna be enough? Are you ready to bet your and your child's happiness on that? Is that what you really want?"

The question hit her where it hurt the most. But he was right, it was the only valid question here. Would it be enough, could she risk the one thing that mattered the most to her – Emma's future – on the basis of one single night? Of a feeling? A kiss?

With every second she hesitated to give him the answer he needed to hear, she watched him retreating from her. Not physically, emotionally. He tried not to let her hurt him again. Finally, he'd learned his lesson. From her.

She knew that her time to give him an answer was up when he stepped back from her, defeat etched into his features. Obviously, trying to protect himself against her had not worked at all. Hurt and disappointment was coming off him in waves and guilt weighed her down at the thought that she had done that to him – again. Showing him something only to take it away again, because the only feelings she always considered were her own.

"Go," he said pleadingly.

Knowing that there was nothing more to say, she did.

* * *

He knew the pain by now. The pain of seeing a door shut behind her, the pain of seeing her leave. For some reason, she always listened to him when he told her to go. He couldn't bring a dog to sit when he told it to, but Rachel always did what he said. She never objected, she never said she wanted to stay. She just turned around and left. 

Maybe it was because that was what she really wanted.

Feeling pathetic about it but doing it anyway he walked to the door and looked through the peephole, trying to determine if she was still standing out there. Because if she was, he would rip the door open and drag her back in.

He would tell her that he didn't want her to go, that yeah, of course, he loved her and that it _did_ matter to him that she said she loved him back. He would've told her that he only hadn't said anything, had tried so hard to suppress the happiness he felt at her words because he hadn't wanted her to make her decision because of him. He wanted her to stay with him because it was what _she_ wanted.

Seeing the hallway empty made him slump against the door in defeat. Of course she had left, she always did. He slid down the door and sat on the floor, leaning his back against the door. It still felt like she was there with him, as if she hadn't left.

He wondered if he would ever stop wishing she hadn't.

* * *

As soon as the door had closed between him and her, she felta compulsionto open it again, to go to him, kiss him again… anything. 

But she knew that as long as she had no answer to his question, coming back and doing all this would hurt him even more.

She lowered herself to the floor, hugging her knees to herself and rested her back against the door. She needed to make a decision, she desperately needed to find out what the answer to his question was.

There was no question about whether or not she wanted to be with him; she did. The question was if she wanted it enough to take the risk that it might not work out.

A bump against the door made her jump a bit. Then she heard something sliding down the door from inside. Joey. She could almost feel his presence through the door that separated them.

Turning her head she rested her cheek against the wood, wishing she could reach him somehow, comfort him, make it better.

She lifted her hand and gently caressed the place behind which she imagined his head would be.

"I think it _is_ what I really want," she whispered, inaudible even to herself, "if only I wasn't so scared."

With that she got up and left.

* * *

As she came back into the apartment, she put her key away and blindly groped for the ring in the dark. Panic flashed through her when she found the shelf empty. 

"I have it," a hoarse voice sounded from the couch.

Her blood turned cold and she couldn't move for a while. The thought of what he was thinking right now, of what he was surely suspecting was almost unbearable.

Now she had managed what she had so carefully tried to avoid. Now she had hurt them both.

She sat down on the couch and started, "Ross…" but he didn't let her speak.

"How long has this been going on?" he asked and she just knew from the sound of his voice that he had been crying.

"Ross, please, there is nothing going on."

"I know you get up almost every night… for months. I never bothered to check if you're still here but now…"

She didn't even know how it could be possible, but her tortured heart hurt even more at his obvious pain. He thought she'd betrayed him. Not just once, but for a long time.

"I never left. Tonight was the only time. I just… needed to talk to him. Nothing happened," she pleaded.

"Then why did you leave that behind?" he replied, holding the ring up like the condemning evidence that it was.

Lying, evading, glossing over the truth was no option anymore now. She had to tell him the truth, she owed him that much.

"I… I… maybe I thought something might happen but…"

"But what?" he asked coldly, his sudden change of tone confusing her.

"He sent me back to you," she admitted embarrassedly, knowing full well how this had to sound to him. Like he was her second choice, runner-up to his best friend.

"Is this where you want to be?" he asked the obvious question, still very restrained but with emotions lingering just beyond the surface.

She tried to sound determined when she answered, "It's where I belong."

His voice sounded almost irritated when he reminded her. "That's not what I asked."

"That's the only answer I have for you," she admitted helplessly.

He didn't say anything to that for a long while. Then, just as she thought he might expect her to say something else, he suddenly asked, "Why do you think you belong here?"

Hastily she answered, "Emma needs a father…" before it occurred to her that this wasn't the first thing she should've said. It was just the first thing that came to mind.

"Emma _has_ a father," he said, the softness coming back into his voice, "That has got nothing to do with anything."

"But…" she started to object only to be cut off again.

"I don't want you to marry me because you feel like you have to. I want you to marry me because you love me."

"I love you, Ross," she finally said what should have been her first answer.

"What about him?" he asked, heartbreakingly soft and without any kind of reproach. Imagining how she would've reacted in a situation like that, she couldn't help but admire him deeply, to love him for being so understanding.

But even now, even with the question standing so unavoidably in the room, she couldn't seem to find the right answer.

"Ross, we have a baby. We have seven years of history. We love each other. We know what to expect from each other. All I ever had with him was…"

She couldn't bring herself to finish that sentence. She felt as if it had been said one time too many. In fact, it never should've been said in the first place. It was so wrong.

All she ever had with Joey was a friendship that exceeded everything she ever had with a man. She had a closeness, a level of trust and a deep feeling of safety even Ross couldn't give her all the time. She had laughter and silliness. She had award shows and learning lines with him. She had pizza and wet paper towels. She had a night that she would never forget for as long as she lived. She knew she had his heart. And he had hers.

But she still wasn't sure if this would be enough. Not with the way things were now.

Instead of finishing her sentence, she wordlessly held her left hand out to Ross, gesturing for him to give her the ring back.

He still held it between his fingers and for a moment it looked like he was about to put it on her hand again. But then he pulled back and let the ring vanish into his palm.

"It's a ring, Rachel," he said, "not a chain. It's yours and you can have it back. But only if you really want to."

She started to tell him she wanted to, but the lump in her throat prevented her from getting the words out. Helplessly she watched him getting up and walking towards the bedroom.

Standing in the door he hesitated for a while, shoulders shaking.

"I'm so sorry, Ross," she finally managed tonelessly and she felt that this – and only this – was the truth about what she felt.

"In a way... I think I always knew it," Ross said from the door and she was almost relieved that he wasn't crying. He even seemed to be calm somehow. "Ever since... I heard him talk about his feelings... I knew... I knew it was more than just a one time thing."

* * *

tbc 


	4. Barbados

**Barbados**

AfterRoss had left, she sat on the couch for a few minutes, wondering how she could've managed to mess up so bad. How she could've managed to hurt two men who hadn't deserved any of this. Two men she loved so much that she had been torn between them for almost a year.

But it seemed to be clear now what had hurt them the most.

Her immature and stupid indecisiveness. Her refusal to be honest to them – and to herself – about her feelings. Yeah, telling Ross she wanted to be with Joey would've hurt him. But in no way could it have hurt him as badly as having to suspect she was cheating on him, as having to learn she had intended to marry him out of fear, out of convenience.

And Joey… sweet heartbroken Joey… how cruel was it to come back to him with nothing more than questions, without a clear decision?

Maybe he was so happy about her engagement, because it meant knowing that it was finally over, because it meant getting closure.

With running back to him tonight she had taken that away from him again without giving him the feeling that this was going somewhere.

Both men had left the decision to her repeatedly and she had never really made one. She had left Joey but that was neither a decision against him nor was it one for Ross. She had moved out of his apartment thinking it was the right thing to do, but it had never been more than changing the place where she lived. When Ross had asked her to marry him, her answer hadn't been more than playing along.

Of course she had tried to rationalize this again and again. She was trying to help Joey to get over her, she was trying to do the right thing, she was trying to do what's best for her daughter.

She had been hiding behind her daughter, implying that Ross would be that much of a bad guy that he'd abandon his child because the child's mother had chosen to be with someone else. As if she hadn't known better.

Now the ball was in her court once again and she knew that if she didn't make a decision now, she would lose both of them – forever.

She stood up and undressed slowly while walking to the bedroom where she knew Ross would be still wide awake. She crawled under the covers and started to kiss him as soon as he touched her.

They didn't need to talk anymore. Everything had been said.

It was her apology and the closure she had denied him for far too long. It was their goodbye.

………

When the sun streamed through the windows of their bedroom and she woke up to the sound of Emma's voice coming over the baby monitor, she found Ross awake already, staring at the ceiling.

Before she got up, she looked at him and was surprised at the lack of sadness in his eyes. It made it so much easier.

"I never meant to hurt you," she whispered.

He managed a little smile and just answered, "I know."

………

Her mother came three hours later to pick up Emma. They had planned to accompany Ross to a conference in Barbados and her mother had volunteered to take Emma for three days.

Ross and the others had left already, she would take a later flight. They had decided to not tell anyone about their break-up until after the weekend, because they didn't want to spoil everyone's vacation.

With one exception, of course.

She dreaded having to tell the others. She could almost see the disappointment, the lack of understanding.

She could almost hear the arguments because she had had them with herself often enough.

'_But you have a child. Your daughter needs her father.'_

'She has a father, that won't change.'

'_You always said you don't return his feelings.'_

'Because I didn't want to think of the possibility. Because it meant it would be complicated, it meant having to hurt Ross. I never wanted to face that. With the pregnancy and everything, I had enough on my mind as it was.'

'_You sure it's not just because you feel sorry for him?'_

'I'm sure. If that was the reason, I could've made the decision a long time ago. It took me so long to realize that it was so much more than that.'

'_You sure you can make a decision like that based on one night?'_

'It wasn't just that night. I know I loved him even before that night. I don't think I would have even have asked him otherwise. I think I hadn't felt comfortable having him touch me or kiss me. But it felt so perfect, so right. If I had been honest to myself, I would've seen that even back then.'

'_Don't you think you're trying to see something that wasn't there back then?'_

'Maybe, but the important thing is what I feel now.'

'_What do you feel now?'_

'I love him. I want to be with him. I think I'll never be happy again without him.'

………

The flight had been uneventful, filled with her pondering what might happen the next two days.

Now that she had made her decision, she suddenly felt insanely nervous about telling Joey.

Scenarios about him not loving her anymore, about him still being mad at her for what happened the other night ran through her head and became scarier and more probable with every time she tried to picture it.

In the end, there were almost no positive possibilities left and she didn't even want to think about them to not set herself up for being disappointed.

………

Barbados greeted her with pouring rain.

'So much for spending the day at the beach,' she thought wryly to herself as she crashed onto the comfortable bed in her room.

Finally the sun came out a bit reluctantly and it still looked like it might rain again any minute. But she felt she needed to get out, it felt like her thoughts needed a bit of fresh air, like she needed to leave the hotel behind for a while.

Judging from the noises out of Monica and Chandler's room, they were busy. From what she had seen before, Phoebe and Mike probably did the same thing and Joey was nowhere to be found. But since she wanted to tell at least someone where she was, the tentatively knocked on Ross's door.

A shouted "It's open," gave her the permission to step in.

Ross was sitting at his laptop and his colleague Charlie sat on his bed, obviously still working on his speech. They both looked like they had laughed a lot and Ross was still smiling brightly when he turned to look at her.

It made her smile, too.

"Ross, I'm going for a walk on the beach for a while. Just in case anyone is gonna miss me or anything."

"Alright," he said and took a quick look in Charlie's direction. Then he looked back at her again. It seemed like there was a question in his eyes and a bit of hope.

Her smile got wider. Maybe she hadn't hurt him as bad as she had thought. Maybe he could be happy again sooner than she had expected. It was a bittersweet thought. Knowing that it was over forever. That he might find happiness with someone else. But it meant that he was gonna be happy again someday.

With an almost imperceptible nod she gave what Ross wouldn't have even needed to ask her for. She gave him her blessing. It was about time he moved on, she had held him back long enough.

"Have fun you guys," she said slowly, not quite able to keep her emotions out of her voice.

"Thanks Rachel," Ross said seriously, conveying through his eyes that he was grateful for more than just the kind words.

…………

The wind tussled her hair while she walked along the deserted beach. Dark clouds on the horizon forecast the next bout of tropical rain, but she didn't quite feel like walking back to the hotel right now.

In the distance she saw a lonely figure sitting in the sand. She had seen a few footprints in the sand and had wondered who else might be crazy enough to walk around like this so shortly after the rain had stopped.

Her heart skipped a beat when she realized that it was him. It was Joey. So this was where he had been the whole time.

She walked over to him and sat down beside him in the wet sand, looking out on the ocean just like he did. He didn't even acknowledge her presence but his silence didn't seem unfriendly.

"It's gonna rain again soon," he said after a while, indicating the now towering dark clouds with a nod of his head.

"Yeah…" she said. She knew she should tell him she made a decision, that she now knew what she wanted, but he seemed so serene, so calm, it felt wrong somehow to start this discussion right now.

"You should probably head back before it starts to pour."

"What about you?" she asked quietly.

"I'm gonna stay here a while longer. See how this feels. I always liked being in the rain and this is tropical rain, maybe it's nice."

She imagined warm raindrops on her skin and breathed, "Yeah maybe."

The clouds covered almost the whole sky now and the sunny daylight had turned to an eerie half darkness. The color of the water had changed from azure to green and angrily rolled in foaming waves onto the white sand.

"Seriously Rach, you should go," he told her again, still in that calm and emotionless voice.

He was always sending her away. She knew he wanted to protect her, to do what's right, but she was done once and for all with waiting for someone else to make her decisions.

"I don't want to," she said decisively, almost a bit angry. Without even looking at him she felt him tensing up at her words. She'd never refused to go, although she knew she should have. "You said it might be nice," she added a bit more softly.

He took a shuddering breath beside her, his calm demeanor crumbling. "Maybe it won't be," he finally said and it almost sounded like a question.

"Well, then I'll know it for sure," she replied.

"What if you catch a cold and then you'll blame me because it was my idea?"

The first drops of rain hit the exposed parts of her body and she shivered slightly. Not so much from the rain, but from what was happening right now between them. From her apprehension about what he might say.

"It might be your idea, but it's my decision to stay," she said firmly, turning to face him, waiting for him to seek her gaze too.

He did that after a few seconds and the look in his eyes took away her breath for a while. He knew what they were talking about. He fought to keep his reactions in check, but the fire behind his eyes betrayed him. There was nothing in the world he wanted more than for her to stay. And this time she wouldn't disappoint him, this time, she wouldn't break his heart.

He put his hand lightly on her forearm and wiped one of the many raindrops away.

"You sure you don't want to go?"

"I'm sure, Joey. Never been so sure about anything in my life."

He swallowed hard and squeezed his eyes shut for a while. Rain was pouring down on them so heavily, they were both dripping wet already.

Reaching for her left hand, he tentatively brushed with his thumb over the place where her engagement ring used to be.

"Am I still gonna have a friend?"

"Yeah…" she whispered, "He's… he's gonna be okay. He… knows."

He let go of her hand and took a strand of hair out of her face that stuck against her wet skin.

"Look at you… that's what you're getting from staying out in the rain," he said with a light smile.

"I don't care, I love it," she said in a firm voice. And gentler but still unwavering she added, "I love you, Joey. I am so in love with you…"

Her sentence was interrupted by Joey's mouth pressed on hers in a passionate, almost bruising kiss. It felt like drowning, like falling. And she let herself fall.

She could taste the rain in his kisses and only once in her life had a kiss felt that right, that perfect. It had been raining back then, too.

It felt like an end and a beginning. The end of a long and painful journey of discovering what was truly between them. The beginning of discovering what it would be like to be together.

While he carefully lowered her onto the sand, his gaze held hers and she wasn't all that sure that the wetness on his face was only rain, but whether or not he was crying, the brightness of his smile lit up the whole world around her. The happiness he radiated mixed and mingled with her own delirious feelings and she hoped he could see that she was as happy as he was.

"I still do, I still love you," he answered the question she had asked him the other night. "I never even came close to figure out how to not be in love with you."

"I never should've left," she admitted ruefully.

He shook his head and even the memory of all the pain didn't put a damper on his mood.

"You came back."

She almost laughed when an old saying popped into her head. "…and now you can keep me."

"I will," he said, suddenly serious again, "and I will never let you go again."

His mouth descended on hers once again and she welcomed his kiss as openly as she had before.

They made love on the beach, rain pouring down on them, cooling their heated skin. It heightened every sensation, it turned every touch, every kiss into something magical, something both of them had never experienced before.

The slapping of the waves against the beach ebbed down in synch with their breathing and eventually they got up again and went into the water, washing the sand off themselves, reveling in the feeling of warm skin on warm skin in the slightly chilly water.

Little rays of sun were breaking through the dispersing clouds here and there, giving the scenery an even more unreal glow.

It was like a dream and they knew that. They also knew that they could keep dreaming for another day until their plane would bring them back into the real world.

Into a world without white beaches and palm trees, a world without warm rain and blue green water.

In that world, they would see if what seemed so strong and eternal now would hold up against every day life. Against all the things that the real world usually threw in the way of great romances and endless love.

Back there, they would have to prove that this was what they were both so sure of. That this was – and always had been – a lot more than a one time thing.

THE END

* * *

A/N: This time, it's really the end. I'm happy about every review I get, it keeps me in the mood to write. Thanks. 


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